Friday, March 30, 2012

Chapter 9


Higgy's on kind of a roll so to celebrate, another looong chapter

I’d thought something would change. I’d sat and waited, nursing my rum and eggnog all Christmas day thinking that he’d arrive at my door with a sprig of mistletoe and that knee weakening smile of his. By dinner time I was feeling embarrassed, knowing that he’d probably gone to Kess’s place to share Christmas cheer with Ryan and his family or he’d got together with some of the other singles, Booth , Max, maybe Eddie, and that kind of hurt.   Surely, I told myself, if that was the case they’d have included me. After all, had I not just admitted to being entirely alone for Christmas?

I tried to watch a Christmas Story but couldn’t crack a smile at Ralphie or his little brother Randy, not even when he fell in the snow and couldn’t get back up.

I paced the apartment looking for something else to occupy my mind and ended up opening a bottle of red wine. Before I knew it, I’d drained half of it and then started ripping down the decorations. By midnight I was alternating between tears and ripping down tinsel garland while cursing him and every member of his family. 

That’s when I drunk dialed Eddie. 

Merry Christmas to me. 

He didn’t judge me when I opened the door with what was left of that bottle in my hand. He just took it out of my hand, put it on the counter and led me to the bathroom. I must have been a hot mess because he undressed me like I was his drunk girlfriend, carefully and slowly, before putting me in the shower where he held me while I cried. He never asked why and I hated his hawk nosed bitch of a girlfriend even more for having a strong, silent, sweet man like this and treating him like a walking invitation to every socialite party in the city.

He wrapped me up in a towel and even dried my hair before putting me in bed and holding me like I was a little girl who’d had a nightmare. He stroked my hair and curled his long limbs around me and held me until I fell asleep. 

When I woke up I felt differently about things and took advantage of his morning wood. Not that he’d complained, even though he should have considering they had a game that night. By the time I’d climbed off of him to make coffee I’d decided not to let Chris’s hot and cold running emotions get to me. And then Eddie said I should go with him to practice. So I put my coffee in travel mug, pulled on a pair of jeans and sweatshirt and went with him. 

By Boxing Day I’d been to maybe a dozen practices. Coach AV hadn’t exactly forbidden me from attending but he’d made it clear that especially pre-game morning skates were his time and not time for the guys to be distracted by me. So, careful to keep his rules in mind, I didn’t go into the room and ask the guys what Santa had brought them. I went out to the stands, found a seat up behind the player’s bench where I could see over the glass, and settled in. 

Most of the guys didn’t even notice that I was there. Kess gave me a wave and Burr tapped the blade of his stick against the glass. Other than that, the guys did their warm ups and skated their laps and then Coach called them over to go over some drills. 

When the guys take a knee in front of the coach it’s usually a good time to gauge their mood. If they’re smiling and laughing at his jokes they’re loose and it usually bodes well for the game. If they’re serious and grim then it usually means they’re getting lectured and probably won’t be a in a mood to go for lunch and watch re-runs of Oprah before their afternoon nap. That day they looked loose, most of them smiling, laughing. 

Most, but not all. Not Chris. 

He glared at me through the entire meeting. 

I wished with all my might that I’d brought a book, stopped to a buy a paper or magazine, even that Andrea was there to pull my hair. Anything but have him staring daggers at me. I squirmed and became very engrossed in picking imaginary lint off my sweatshirt. I read every billboard I could see. I studied Harold Snepts entry on the ring of honor. I stared up at Trev, Nazzy and Steamer’s numbers up in the rafters. But every time I looked down his blue eyes were blazing up at me. Finally I couldn’t take it anymore, got up and headed up the stairs. I wanted to flip him the bird. I wanted to scream at him to get out of my head. 

I had angry tears running down my cheeks when I got to the elevator that would take me down to the player’s exit and was feeling like the same hot mess for whom I’d had to call Eddie for clean up duty and I was cursing myself for caring as the doors slid open. I wasn’t even thinking about the walk home yet except that it would do me good and I was trying to think if there might be any liquor stores open at this hour in the morning when I ran straight into a wide, solid chest. 

“Sorry,” I grumbled and rubbed at the tears on my cheeks. 

“Are you?” I’d made the assumption that I’d walked into another employee, maybe even one of the equipment guys but the musky, funky smell that suddenly filled my nose and the feel of the hands that closed around my upper arms immediately told me I was wrong. The voice made my heart race and I cursed it for being a traitor. I slowly lifted my head to look into his eyes and felt a cold, cruel smile spread across my face.

“No, not really,” I admitted. He clenched his teeth and his eyes blazed a dangerous grey.

“So he was really with you last night?” he asked, his fingers digging into my arms so deep that it hurt but I refused to flinch. 

“Eddie?” I asked, just to be sure we were talking about the same thing. He nodded, just once, and I smiled. “Yeah, all night,” I added with a satisfied smile that made his nostrils flare. 

“Damn it…I thought we made some kind of…I don’t know…break through or something. I thought you understood,” he began and then sort of shook me as if it was my fault he couldn’t get his tongue around the words he should be saying. 

“I don’t know what you thought,” I told him honestly, knowing there were still tears streaming down my cheeks and hating that he could see how vulnerable I was. “I mean, I thought that you told me that you wanted me but then you just left and you didn’t even come by the next day. No call, not even a fucking text so…I don’t know what you thought.”  

“I thought you’d quit!” he exclaimed, looking frustrated and shocked all at the same time. 

I stared at him for one, endless moment and then ran my fingers through hair and turned away. The tears stopped, just like that, and now it was my turn to grind my teeth. 

“Would you?” I asked quietly. I knew what his answer would be but I wanted him to say it out loud. 

“Well that’s stupid. Of course not,” he snapped as if I’d asked something ludicrous. 

“So…I’m supposed to just ignore my contract, just let all the guys down and quit, just like that for someone who basically thinks I’m a whore and isn’t sure if he likes me enough to even eat a meal with me?” I asked slowly, choosing my words carefully. 

“If you want me, then…yeah.” I shook my head. It was so clear to him but it wasn’t that clear to me. 

“Yeah well…I’m not that fickle,” I told him, all those jittery butterflies having flown. “I like my job and I like the guys and one kiss…you’d have to give me a whole lot more than one kiss to make me turn my back on that.” The look of shock on his face was kind of priceless as I turned to walk away but for once, since the very first time I’d decided to take this job that niggling feeling of guilt, of uncertainty at the back of my mind was gone and I walked out of the arena with my head high. 
 _______________________________________________________________________________

Not that I wasn’t still furious. 

I paced the apartment like a tiger in a cage, growling under my breath every so often about what a pig he was and wondering aloud how he could he be such a self centered bastard. I knew that part of my brain was trying to assure the other part that I’d done the right thing, walking away from him. I knew damn well that I hadn’t erased every single feeling for him from my heart, but he’d certainly done a good job of making those feelings less significant. 

I was considering opening another bottle of wine when there was a knock at the door. A little part of me, the eager puppy that still wanted both his approval and his attention, had me running to the door in hopes of finding him waiting to apologize and drop down on one knee but when I tugged open the door, it was Kess that brushed by me into the apartment. 

“Just because Megan’s pregnant now Andrea suddenly wants another kid,” he growled, tugging his sweatshirt over his head. I stared at a bruise on his back the size and shape of a stick blade as I closed the door and drew the chain across. 

“Would that be so bad?” I asked, turning the dead bolt. 

“Half the time I can barely look at her so, yeah I’m not sure it’s a great fucking plan to have more kids with her,” he snapped, toeing off his runners and reaching for the belt on his jeans. “I mean, she knows when I take my nap and that she’s supposed to keep Maks and Ry up so that we all go down at the same time so I can sleep but today, noooo, she wants me to look after them so she can get her nails done? What the fuck is that about.” I nodded, unable and unwilling to come up with an argument in her favor.

“That's so disrespectful,” I countered, not talking about his wife, but Chris. Kess snorted as he dragged his belt out with a whoosh and threwit on the floor. I dragged off my own sweatshirt and added it to the pile.

“It’s like she doesn’t get that I’m not a fucking bank manager or something, like she doesn’t even know what I do,” he sighed, dropping his jeans to the floor. 

“Like she doesn’t get that it’s not just about you, it’s about all the guys,” I added and he gaveme one of those ‘you get it’ half grins. 

“Like she just knows the money comes in and she spends it and she doesn’t get that it’s hard on me,” he added as he sat on the edge of the bed and tugged his socks off one at a time. I wriggled out of my jeans and kicked them aside. 

“Like she thinks that you can just turn it off, like what you do doesn’t matter,” I added, thinking about the way Chris had looked at me, as if he couldn’t fathom how I could actually enjoy doing this. As if I could just turn off my feelings for the other guys on the team, as if I could just stop caring about them. 

“I know, it’s like I wanna say ‘are you fucking new?’ he snapped, looking up at me impatiently as I shrugged my bra off and tossed it on the floor with the rest of our clothes. “Sometimes I think she just doesn’t get me at all,” he added with a sigh as I stepped out of my panties and climbed onto his lap. I felt his hands settle on my waist as he guided me down with him onto the mattress. “Fuck, sometimes I don’t know what I’d do if I couldn’t fuck the shit out of you,” he whispered against the curve of my neck. My eyes fluttered closed. 

This was like a drug, like I’d been jonesing and now I was getting a fix. I felt every single muscle in my body relax as his cock slid up inside of me, filling me. It wasn’t just that Ryan or any of the guys needed me, though that was certainly addictive enough and I knew it wasn’t just because they were all athletes with amazing bodies and equally amazing stamina. The reason that I couldn’t…no, wouldn’t just give this up was that they had become my family, a strangely intimate family and you don’t abandon family. 

“I’m here,” I whispered, wrapping my arms around his shoulders and holding on as our bodies found a familiar rhythm. “I’m not going anywhere.” 

“Thank fucking god,” he groaned, kissing his way up from my collarbone up my neck before capturing my mouth with his. There was nothing sweet and romantic about his kiss. In bed he was just like he was on the ice, never hesitant, never apologetic. Ryan took what he wanted and gave everything, leaving nothing behind. As he rolled me onto his back and ploughed his rock hard cock into me with me abandon I threw back my head and let him chase my cares away. 

________________________________________________________________________________

Except my cares wouldn’t just go away. 

I knew I was still going to have to face Chris and despite the fact that I felt firm in my decision I still dreaded having to face him, knowing that despite everything, even if I steeled myself and reminded myself that he was a pig, he’d still make my heart miss a beat. Even with Kess’s arm draped around my shoulders and Juice doing his worst Bublé imitation into the shaft of his stick, my knees nearly buckled when Chris rounded the corner from the showers in nothing but compression shorts and his flip flops. 

“Damn it,” I cursed quietly, and looked down at the floor. At least the cool, grey concrete didn’t look pleased with itself and its damn six-pack. Kev stopped singing and Kess spun me to face him. 

“Chris and Penny sitting in a…,” I slapped the palm of my hand over his mouth and glared at him. 

“It’s not like that,” I hissed. 

“But you’d like it to be like that,” Kev said quietly, his hand on the small of my back. 

“No,” I lied. I didn’t want to want him but my body obviously felt differently about it. 

“It’s okay,” Kess assured me, his voice muffled against my hand, “we won’t tell.” 

“No you don’t understand,” I sighed, dropping my hand and leaning into his chest, “he hates me.” 

“He doesn’t….” Kev began and I shot him a look that immediately silenced him. 

“He thinks I’m a whore. He called me that to my face,” I snapped. Kev started to get his mad face on and I reached out and pulled him to us, wrapping my arm around his and Ryan’s waists until they surrounded me. “I shouldn’t care what he thinks but I can’t help it,” I added, blinking away the tears that were, once again, threatening to fall. 

“Because you like him,” Kess whispered, cupping my chin in his fingers just the way that Chris had and making me look up at him. I nodded and promptly burst into tears. Both men wrapped their arms around me and held me, protecting me from prying eyes until I managed, hiccupping and coughing to get myself almost under control. 

“Thanks,” I sniffed, brushing at my tears. Kev pulled his shirt off and offered it to me. I took and blew my nose right into it. “I’ll wash it,” I promised. He laughed.

“Only if you wanna keep it,” he snorted, planting a kiss on my forehead. 

“Hey there you are!” I looked around Kev’s thick body to find Hank heading up the hallway towards us. I rubbed at my eyes and plastered a smile on my lips. 

“Are you looking for me?” I asked, wondering if I had the strength for a special assignment. I hoped it would be someone not very demanding like Honey Badger or Eaglet. 

“Higgins just puked his guts up in the room. He needs to go home, can you take him?” I sucked in a sharp breath and fisted my hand in the back of Ryan’s t-shirt.

“Me?” I asked, my voice coming out a high pitched squeak. 

“Why, is that a problem?” Hank asked, his forehead wrinkling as if he never imagined my saying no, which, I suppose, considering some of the things I’d done with him and his brother, I shouldn’t have found odd.

“No, of course not. Let me just get my keys,” I responded automatically, despite part of my brain screaming no frantically over and over.

“We could just call him a cab,” Kess pointed out, which made Hanks’s brow furrow even more. 

“No, it’s fine,” I muttered and dug in the pockets of my jeans. 

“Penny…,” Kev hissed and I put my hand flat on his washboard stomach. 

“It’s fine,” I repeated more firmly and then smiled up into his blue eyes. “I’ll see you later, okay?” He pursed his lips and looked like he wanted to argue but knew better than to try. Instead he leaned in and kissed my cheek and patted my ass as I turned to kiss Kess good bye. 

“If you need me…,” he began to which I smiled. 

“You’ll be playing,” I reminded him, kissed his cheek and turned to head into the room. I could feel their eyes on me the entire way. 
_________________________________________________________________________________

“What the hell are you doing here?”

I glanced up from the book I’d been reading to see Chris leaning  heavily against the wall just inside the kitchen. His color wasn’t really good but it was better and I noticed he had changed clothes, now completely dressed in a clean t-shirt and sweatpants instead of the boxer-briefs I had left him in.

“You’re up,” I acknowledged, sliding a bookmark in to save my place. A glance at the clock indicated that it was a little too late for lunch and a bit too early for dinner but neither of us had eaten all day so… “I’ll put the kettle on. Think you can stomach some toast?”

Though it must have taken some effort he stood up a little straighter. “I asked you a question.”

As I passed him I laid a gentle hand on his forehead and though he frowned, he didn’t pull away as far as I’d expected. “Still warm but better,” I stepped over to the fridge, snagged a Gatorade and stripped the safety seals from it before handing it to him. “Little sips, okay?”

Chris’ eyes, looking much clearer than they had in days, narrowed as he tracked my movement around his kitchen but he sipped the liquid slowly, as I’d suggested. I filled the kettle and put it on to boil and then decided to add some scrambled eggs to the menu since, even if he couldn’t eat them, I was hungry.

He hadn’t moved, just stood there glaring at me and weaving on his feet like a palm tree in a hurricane. “What the hell are you doing here, Penny? Either answer me or get the fuck out.”

I rolled my eyes but the truth was his attitude proved that he was on the path to recovery and after two days of getting alternately praised for helping him and begged to stay and being screamed at for merely existing, nothing he had to say now landed too hard. I’d heard every variation of that very same phrase enough times over the last forty eight hours that it hardly registered. “Why don’t you sit your sick ass down before you fall on your face?”

For a moment I didn’t think he would but then he shuffled over to the island and slumped onto a stool. “I’m not going to fall over.”

“Yeah, well, considering how many times I’ve had to hold you up while you puke, why don’t you just humor me and sit your ass down?” In fact I’d had to drag him from the bed to the couch half a dozen times while I changed the sheets every time he’d sweated through them but in his state I was willing to bet he didn’t remember that.

“I don’t see why you care,” With his chin propped up in his hands and his elbows on the counter rockin’ that just rolled out of bed look I had a sudden vision of five year old Chris Higgins pouting about having to go to school.

Leaning over, I took a good look at him. Yeah, he looked better. Not great but there was definite improvement. “Somebody has to,” I said softly and got away with cupping his cheek for a moment, feeling the bristle of his beard in the palm of my hand. He stiffened and barely refrained from snarling at me. From the pocket of the hoodie I had borrowed from his closet, I produced the cordless phone and placed it in front of him. “Call your mother, she’s worried about you.”

“Oh jeezus you told her I was sick?” he snapped, grabbing the phone. 

“Well what did you want me to say when you didn’t make the road trip?” His finger paused above the keypad and slowly he looked up at me. “You’ve been out for almost three days sunshine.” His mouth moved, forming the word ‘three’ without making a sound. “She’s worried, you should call,” I repeated and then turned to crack an egg into a bowl. 

“You’ve been here…the whole time?” he asked, sounding sheepish for once. 

“Yep, did everything but wipe your ass,” I told him, thinking about how he’d refused to let go of my hand the first night. Not that I would have left him in that condition. “It was here or the hospital and I seem to remember your saying you’d had enough of that the last time they hooked you up to a drip and left you behind. Which reminds me,” I turned and pulled a bottle of pills from one of the pockets of the borrowed hoodie, “do you think you can keep a couple of these down?” 

“Those aren’t my pills,” he grumbled, but took the pills I shook into his hand. 

“No, your pills made you barf on your carpet, which I think you’re going to have to replace by the way,” I added, wrinkling my nose at the memory of two hours spent on my hands and knees with a scrub brush and damn near every detergent I could find. “The doctor says these should be easier on your stomach.” 

“So you’ve been here the whole time,” he said again, this time sounding incredulous. I raised an eyebrow and shrugged. 

“Well who else could do it? By the time your mommy could have got here from New York you might have drowned in your own vomit and your only other choices were rat face…,” he made a face and I rolled my eyes. “Eddie’s girlfriend or possibly Megan but in her condition that wouldn’t have been such a good idea.”

“No, yeah, I guess not,” he agreed and tossed the pills into his mouth, followed by another small swallow of the Gatorade. “Uh…I guess thank you,” he mumbled, almost under his breath. I shrugged and went back to cracking eggs. 

“It’s a glamorous life,” I snorted and reached for the pepper mill. 

“Yeah okay…I guess this was probably pretty awkward for you so…I’m sorry,” he added even more quietly. I wondered how tasty that particular mouthful of crow was for him but decided against asking. 

“It’s like I’ve been trying to tell you, I’m here for whatever you or any of the other guys need,” I told him while I kept my gaze focused on the bowl in front of me. It had been easier to deal with him when he’d been fevered and rambling incoherently. Feeling his gaze burrowing under my skin now made me feel vulnerable, stripped bare.  

“Can we call a truce?” he asked tentatively, like he expected me to bite his head off. I’d bite him, alright, given half the chance but I was no longer sure if it would be in a playful way. 

“Of course,” I agreed, whisking the eggs a little more briskly than was strictly necessary. 

He fell silent while I poured the egg mixture into the pan and I was grateful. I was still suffering from the overwhelming urge to run my fingers through his hair and stroke his cheek the way I’d been doing to soothe him while he tossed and turned.  It had been so nice to be able to touch him without him flinching, to have him grasp my arm and ask me to stay, even if he’d been in the midst of a fever dream and hadn’t really known it was me. It was hard now to stand here, hearing him breathing, moving behind me and not be able to touch him. 

“You okay with that toast?” I asked as I dished the now scrambled eggs onto two plates. 

“I guess so,” he mumbled, picking up the piece of dry toast in front of him from which it was apparent he’d only taken a couple of bites. “Is there any jam?” 

“You must be feeling better,” I smirked as I slid the plate of eggs in front of him and then turned to open the fridge. As I did my phone vibrated in my pocket. It was a text from Katie. 

“I guess I’ll have to take mine to go,” I told him, putting my phone back in my pocket and the jar of strawberry jam in front of him.

“Go?” he asked, spooning the fluffy eggs into his mouth as if he’d just been picked up off of a deserted island and hadn’t seen food for weeks. 

“Hey, go easy on that. Little bites, take your time,” I reminded him, sliding my share of the eggs onto his plate. “Yeah, Katie has a favor to ask apparently,” I added, heading for the door where my shoes were waiting for me. 

“So you’re just gonna leave me here?” he asked, now scooping eggs into his mouth like it was his last meal, savoring each mouthful. 

“Your fever’s practically gone. Text me if you feel warm again and uh…take a shower, you smell,” I added with a grin. “Oh and don’t forget to call your mother,” I added, I slid into my shoes and out the door. 
________________________________________________________________________________


“Saved by the bell,” I sighed as I dropped into the chair across from Katie at the Starbucks down the street from their new house in an upscale area where young, urban professionals were purchasing old, run down Victorians and sprucing them up. 

“I figured you might need a break,” she smiled warmly as she pushed a steaming mug towards me and broke a pumpkin scone in half. 

“Thanks.” I took a long sip of the sweet hot caramel macchiato and let it’s velvety smooth warmth slide down my throat. 

“Sooo,” she sat back and narrowed her eyes at me over her own mug which was clasped in both hands, “Kev tells me you have a thing for Higgy.” I made a mental note to pinch him somewhere it would hurt, a lot, next time I saw him, but shrugged. 

“I’m attracted to him but I don’t know how much I actually like him,” I admitted. It felt good to say out loud, to admit to someone and Katie had been so good to me I knew without having to ask that it would stay between us and not be repeated to any of the other WAGs. She wrinkled her cute button nose and made a face. 

“Are you saying you’re not attracted to my Kev?” I snorted coffee out my nose and reached for a napkin.

“One, I can’t believe you asked me that and two…well yeah but he’s married to you,” I pointed out, I thought unnecessarily but she was still looking at me as if what I’d said puzzled her. 

“I have to ask because…well…with what you do…how is he different from Kev or Eddie or…any of the guys?” This was the exact question I’d been struggling with and considering I couldn’t really explain it to myself I didn’t know how I was going to explain it to her. 

“I guess it would be like asking Marinette and Johanna how they decided which twin to marry,” I shrugged and Katie looked thoughtful.  “I don’t know, maybe it’s because he won’t let me near him, like the whole forbidden thing,” I sighed and broke off a piece of the scone. 

“Or his abs,” she added with a giggle that was so adorable that two guys stopped on the street and smiled at her. 

“Yeah, they’re not bad,” I smirked and felt my cheeks get warm. I cursed under my breath. I hated that no matter how mad he made me, how offhand he treated me, I still wanted him in the worst way. 

“So…does it make you feel differently about being with the other guys, y’know, cuz your all oooh Higgy?” she asked, batting her eyelashes and making a show of fainting into her chair. I rolled my eyes and shook my head. 

“No, actually it really doesn’t.  I mean…yeah, I kind of think that sex with him would be different but…I still like having sex with all the other guys. Actually I’m kind of missing them right now,” I added with a  sigh, thinking that the last few days had been the longest I’d gone without in a long time. 

“That’s good because I have this huuuuge favor to ask,” she said quietly, leaning over the table with this conspiratorial look on her face. Because it seemed like she wanted me to, I leaned in. “You know how the guys are coming back tomorrow…well, I was wondering….”

________________________________________________________________________________


  She had been fine right up until the moment she heard the key turning in the lock and that’s when Katie’s nerves started to get the better of her. I reached out and laid a hand on her thigh and she stilled, like a gentled filly, but her eyes remained wide and she fidgeted with her bustier, alternately pulling it up and down.

“I can go,” I whispered and then pressed a tender kiss to her bare shoulder. 

“No,” she replied firmly, her hand clamping down on my own hard enough that it almost hurt. I smiled and shimmied closer to her, lacing my fingers with hers’ and running the fingers of my free hand through her dark hair. 

I’d been more than surprised when she’d asked me to join her in welcoming Kev home. I’m one of those girls that considers herself to be ‘strictly dickly’, with a few specific exceptions like Kat Dennings and maybe Gemma Arterton, but Katie had been so sweet and so supportive that I didn’t hesitate to agree, especially when she said she wanted to play Mary Ann to my Ginger. It was about the nicest compliments anyone’s ever given to me. 

I could feel her relaxing by degrees as I petted her like a cat and when he opened the door and nearly stumbled, she purred like a big, exotic cat too. 

I’d expected her to spook like a doe when her husband came in the room but she leaned back against me and held his gaze while I swept her hair from her neck and pressed my mouth against her jumping pulse. She tasted of cream cheese icing and her hair smelled of lavender. Kev made a sound in his throat but didn’t move from the doorway, one hand still on the brass knob, his gaze riveted to his wife’s considerable cleavage. 

I felt her sharp intake of breath as my hand slowly brushed over her soft, smooth skin to tug at the laces at the top of the corset. She wasn’t the only one taking a breath, but Kev blew his out as his eyes tracked the work my fingers were doing as, inch by inch I bared his wife to his greedy gaze. Just once he lifted his eyes to meet my inquiring gaze and he smiled, briefly but like a beam of sunshine through dark clouds as he mouthed the words ‘thank you’. I grinned back and kissed his wife’s cheek. 

“Welcome home honey,” she whispered to him, holding her hand out to beckon him closer. He crossed the room in two steps and cupped her round cheeks in his big hands, pressing a forceful kiss on her mouth and then, still cupping her cheek in one hand, he reached back and brushed his knuckles along my jaw and more gently than he had ever done, brushed my lips with his own. 

“Welcome back Juice,” I whispered and then tugged the last loop of the laces on the front of her corset free.

Thursday, March 22, 2012

Chapter 8


To make up for the wait, this chapter is looooong

"Santa's a little handsy," I explained as I swatted Manny's hand away from my bright red skin tight short shorts for about the fourth time. "Other than that, I'm having a great time." 

"Good. I was sorry that you were going to be stuck back here most of the time," Katie apologized as I balanced Cole on Manny's knee and leaned in to smile at the camera. "You have to try and get some time on the ice too," she added from her spot just out of camera range and far enough from Santa to keep her daughter from screaming blue murder. Reese was rubbing at her eyes, her round little cheeks bright red from crying. No amount of pleading could convince her to get on Santa's knee, not even when Manny pulled the fluffy white beard down to prove that she knew him. 

"I'll try but I'm fine here," I promised, lifting Cole onto my hip and handing him a candy cane. 

"You look great like that," Kev whispered in my ear. "You're a natural."

"If you weren't already taken Juice I'd be asking for a sample in a cup," I whispered back. Kev laughed and goosed me before taking Cole from me and tossing him high in the air. His blue eyed son squealed and begged his dad to do it again. I watched them head back towards the ice and sighed. I reached up to readjust my blue and green Canuck's floppy Santa hat when my head was very suddenly and painfully yanked backwards. "Ow!" I complained loudly, staggering backwards in hopes of not losing a handful of hair.

"What is this whore doing here?" Andrea. Of course. "This is a family event. She's not supposed to be here," she complained loudly, a handful of my hair still in her claws. She gave it another yank for good measure and I whimpered. 

"Andy, put the nice lady down," Kess growled at her. Not as threateningly as he would have had his daughter not been on his shoulders. Despite the pain and the awkward position she had me in, I smiled up at Makayla and she, in turn, beamed down at me. 

"I never got to come to this," Andy hissed, not at her husband but at me. I could feel her spittle warm and wet on my face as she glared at me. 

"Maybe because you couldn't play nice," Ryan told her matter-of-factly as he, one handed, peeled her fingers from around my hair. 

"I don't want her here," Andrea whined in a tone that made me think that the American military should use her voice as a biological weapon. 

"She has as much right to be here as you do." I knew the voice, I'd heard it in my dreams every night since I'd taken the position, despite the fact that he'd barely had a decent word to say to me and I couldn't believe the words had just come from his mouth. By the look on her face, neither could Andrea. 

"Pardon me newbie but she's not a WAG, even if you're all fucking her," Andrea sniffed and stuck her surgically corrected nose in the air. I felt about an inch tall until I felt a strong arm drape around my shoulder and could barely contain my disbelief when I saw that the arm belonged to Chris and not, as I'd first assumed, Kess.

"She's here at my request, okay?" he asked, that big easy smile of his that makings his blue eyes sparkle and the creases around his eyes deepen which made my knees weak despite the fact that I knew damn well he was only doing this to be the knight in shining armor and not because he meant it. Andrea looked down her nose at me and the expression in her eyes was clear as day. I may have won this round but she was determined that she was going to run me out of town as soon as she could. 

With her nose still in the air and with a flip of her frosted hair, she turned and headed away with the stroller.
I watched her go, still feeling about an inch tall and having definitely lost the Christmas spirit. Chris's arm slipped from my shoulder and it immediately felt like as though someone had taken off my winter coat in the middle of an ice storm. I went from cozy and warm to cold and vulnerable. 

"You should give your woman a little support man," Chris said quietly to Kess. I expected Ryan to argue but with a glance at the little girl with the pig tails on his shoulders he nodded and headed after his wife. 

"Thanks," I said quietly, unable to look at him or the soft grey blue sweater that he was wearing. 

"It wasn't so much for you. He spends too much time with you. Can you really blame her for feeling insecure?" he asked and while I watched Ryan pressed an affectionate kiss to his wife's cheek, a peck that had nothing to do with the animal that came to my bed and always left me boneless, sweat soaked and sated.

"I guess not," I muttered, feeling even less than an inch tall. I didn't really feel bad about what  I was doing, at least until I was around him. Then I felt like the whore he obviously thought that I was. 

"Besides, I kinda owed you one," he mumbled and shoved his hands deep into the front pockets of his jeans. It took an effort not to look at the bulge between them. "I was kind of an ass at your Christmas thing. If I ruined it for you, I'm sorry," he added quietly. I blinked and for once was rendered speechless. "And just so you know, I know Macie cooked them or whatever but...they were good cookies," he added with a half wattage smile before he turned and headed back towards the ice. 

I stared after him, unsure what had just happened. I couldn't understand how it was that he could make me feel like a common prostitute one minute and still leave me all tingly and with the urge to run around squealing like a giddy school girl the next. 

"What was all that?" Manny asked, pulling off his Santa hat and rubbing his bald head. 

"I have no idea," I muttered, shaking my head and leaning in to his side. "Not a single clue." 

______________________________________________________________________________
 
Even though the hostess had invited me, I knew it was a courtesy invite that I probably shouldn't have accepted. Marinette was too nice for her own good and I was too stupid to turn down what basically amounted to a pity fuck. The last place on earth I should have been was at the grown-up celebration after the family skate. 

With that in mind I resolved to stay as far under the radar as I possibly could. Wherever Andrea was, I did not want to be.
 
The children had been shipped off for the evening to a nanny-supervised sleepover at Sami and Johanna's place so the celebration was underway as soon as the first drink was poured. 

I was happily manning the keg and participating in casual conversation with the few ladies that had congregated in the kitchen, hoping I was out of the way enough to get through the evening without causing too much chaos. 

Of course that plan went up in flames the moment Lappy's girlfriend Michelle realized who I was and for the first time I was completely vulnerable since the boys were spread out in the other rooms entertaining themselves with video games or cigars or something equally manly that their significant others were likewise not interested in sharing. 

"Hmmm, Max said you weren't that pretty." I waited, gripping my drink a little too tight for her to add a polite `but he obviously lied' or even a catty `I guess he'd know the difference' but she just stood there, smiling like pretty girls who are used to being the center of attention often do. I blinked and kept my mouth shut. After all, what could I say to that?  

"Yeah what is she doing here? I mean it was bad enough she was squeezed into that stupid costume at the rink but seriously Marinette this is your house, why would you let her in here?" Amanda, Eddie's rat faced girlfriend sneered at me and looked down her long nose at me as if I was a cracked out hooker standing on the corner of Quebec and East First.

"Girls, I'd appreciate it if you aren't rude to my guest," Marinette said quietly but firmly, like you would to an irascible child in front of company. I hated that she had to say it at all and sent her a grateful smile. 

"It's Christmas," Katie added with a big smile as she brought another plate of cookies and desert bars from the kitchen, "if Marinette had wanted to invite the WAG's from Boston we'd be nice to them on Christmas." I doubted it, even coming from Katie who probably believed it, but I liked the sentiment. Amanda and Michelle made faces but turned away from me and for a moment I thought I could breathe and that everything would be fine. Tense, but fine. 

"Maybe if you were enough for your man you wouldn't need to worry about her." I don't think that Nancy meant to say it loud enough that the two, as yet unmarried members of the group, would overhear but the way that Amanda's back suddenly became very rigid and straight proved that the barb had struck dead center.

"Oh fuck," Joann, Manny's wife muttered under her breath right before she hooked her arm into mine and pulled me back, deeper into the kitchen. 

"You need to take that back," Amanda growled without turning around.

"Je voulais dire chaque mot, you skinny bitch," Nancy replied calmly. I wondered if that's one of the things that had drawn Burr to her, that she was feisty just like him. 

"Oh no you didn't." As we watched Amanda handed her drink to Michelle, ran her long fake fingernails through her cheap extensions and then turned around. 

"Ladies," Johanna, Hank's wife, not Sami's, stepped between them. "A little decorum if you please." 

"I doubt she even knows what that word means," Joann breathed and I fought not to laugh.

"If you were going for decorum you wouldn't have invited the whore of Babylon." The small hairs on the back of my neck stood on end and I sucked in a sharp breath through my teeth. I shot a worried glance towards Katie who had promised that Andrea had begged off, saying she had a migraine and couldn't possibly come.

"Then we wouldn't have invited you," Gina, Lou's wife, appeared near Katie's elbow like a middle linebacker wearing a poisonous smile. 

"Oh damn," I sighed and heard a barely stifled giggle from beside me. It was interesting how, in the midst of everything, I'd been all but forgotten. Johanna was still standing beside me though, prepared to do what, I wasn't sure, but it was nice to know that at least she was on my side. 

The battle of the broads in the middle of the kitchen looked like it had the potential to go pear shaped in a hurry. Andrea all but had her teeth bared and was inches away from going for Gina's throat. One glance at Sarah proved that she was about a heartbeat away from wanting us all kicked out or bursting into tears and Michelle was looking entirely too smug about the hornet's nest she had kicked over. Someone obviously had to do something

"Ah, Johanna?" I had to nudge her and raise my voice just to be heard. "Johanna?"

Distracted by the sniping in front of us she barely spared me a glance. "Hmmm?"

With one eye on the girls and another on the plastic cup of beer I was filling, I took a dive off the board headfirst into the shallow end. "So, um… I taught your husband that thing you like." When her disbelieving eyes cut to mine, I gave her an awkward smile. "You're welcome?"

Yep, that's me, champion tension breaker. 

The absolute and total silence was twice as loud as the arguing had been. All attention was on me and I mentally calculated how many steps I'd have to run to make it out the back door. 

"Jesus," Gina huffed from the spot she'd settled in at the table with her glass of red wine in hand, "I wish someone would teach it to mine."

Okay, so I hadn't seen that one coming. 

Joann chuckled. Then she started to giggle. Then it was full out, `clutching her pearls', side-splitting laughter that even got Marinette going. 

"Gina!" Megan Raymond scolded, trying not to look as amused as she was. 

A grin was tugging at the corners of Johanna's mouth as Gina rolled her eyes, aiming a cranberry tipped fingernail in accusation. "Don't even try and tell me you don't wish your sweet little farm boy knew a little more about how the west was won."

Megan's cheeks pinked but we all noticed that she didn't disagree. In fact, Adrianne, Aaron Rome's wife, placed a consoling hand on her shoulder and offered a sympathetic, understanding smile. "Don't feel bad. One of these days I'll finally get around to explaining to Aaron that it doesn't matter how many times you hit the button, the elevator isn't going to come any faster!"

Sarah snorted wine out her nose. 

Gina raised her glass in triumph. "Exactly my point! Thank God for Penny. Some of you lucky bitches don't have to tell your men anything. She gives them a lesson or two and we all reap the rewards. Let's raise a glass to a specialist that finally isn't a gold digging slut." 

The focus was back on me again and my eyebrows crawled into my hairline. "Um… thank you?" I squeaked and took a quick sip of the beer in my hand. "I'm glad to help." 

"Ummm I wondered…," I glanced over to see Jamie Ballard watching me with a speculative gleam in her eyes. "I have to admit, I'd never met a team's specialist before coming here and I've always been a little bit curious about…well, certain things. I just wouldn't want to make you uncomfortable by asking about…well I'm not really comfortable doing…."

"You don't want to make her uncomfortable?" Andrea, who had been sidetracked from getting her rage on, stepped in and aimed a dark glare in my direction. "That's a joke, right? She makes her living being bent into `uncomfortable' positions while your husband pounds his dick through her." Her girl next door pretty features twisted with malice as she laughed darkly and rounded on Sarah who was practically hiding behind Katie. "Do you think she's `uncomfortable' when your holier-than-thou husband pulls her hair and fucks her throat until she's hoarse? You wanna ask questions? Ask her what kind of names he calls her while he's pretending you don't exist."

There wasn't a single person who didn't adore cute, soft-spoken, wholesome Sarah, so everyone was plenty offended by the direct attack. Everyone except Sarah who's back straightened and eyes lit up with fire. I was a little worried when she turned in my direction but she smiled and simply said, "Does he call you `cum slut' too? I've been trying to get him to use some variety once in a while."

"Atta girl," Gina winked and promptly drained her glass. "Now it's a party."

Joann nearly peed right there on the floor and leaned against me while she giggled as if she didn't trust her own legs to hold her up while she wiped at her eyes. Hearing those dirty, filthy words come out of Sarah's sweet, cupid bow lips was too funny and had certainly broke the tension in the room. Andrea, Michelle and Amanda went off into a corner to sulk and after that it got… better in a really strange way. Andrea and her dwindling band of cronies took off for parts unknown – I was glad I hadn't brought my car since the windshield probably would have been her next victim – and the rest of us stayed in the kitchen with a new agenda. 

Playing spin the bottle. 

Okay, maybe it should have been called Spin the Specialist since, after a couple of drinks in, I was perched precariously on the Lazy Susan in the middle of the table being carefully whirled until I came to a stop in front of one of the remaining WAGs. Said WAG would then have to do a shot – free-poured down the hatch by the lovely Katie – and then could ask me any question they could think of pertaining to me, my role as a Specialist or my thoughts on how to add some spice to their sex lives at home. Out of respect for my liver I only had to do a shot every third question. 

It got out of control in a hurry. 

It started out mostly with tips on giving good head and the pros and cons of digital manipulation and quickly devolved into a truth or dare contest that had a lot to do with certain fruits and vegetables being used as props and stand-ins and finally ended up with Gina daring Katie to kiss me. The girls were cheering so loud that the guys came looking for the source of all the noise just in time to get an eyeful of our lip lock. 

"Wait a God damn second, why am I not in on this?" Juice whined but with a big, Cheshire cat grin on his face. 

"Fuck that, why are you not kissing my wife?" Lou demanded. 

"Oh I didn't want her to kiss me," Gina purred and reached to spin the Lazy Susan until I was facing her. "I was thinking about something much more fun!" 

"Oh holy shit who's got a camera?" Kess roared and before I had time to even object Gina had me by the bra straps and was pulling me towards her. I had visions of Girls Gone Wild in my head and wondered if Holly would fire me if this got leaked out onto the internet but before Lou's usually reserved and classy wife could motorboat me the Lazy Susan tipped and I spilled onto the floor, bringing her and Katie with me. We lay on the floor laughing our asses off until their husbands and Chris offered us all a hand up. 

"Thanks," I breathed, putting my hand in Chris's huge calloused one. He smiled down at me, a genuinely happy smile. 

"You okay?" he asked, helping to dust me off once I was back on my feet. 

"I thought it would be Andrea wrestling me onto the floor tonight so…yeah, all things considered, I'm good," I replied and his grin broadened. 

"Well you look like you're having fun," he added quietly and then, as if by magic, melted into the crowd around the table. I stared at the spot he had just been in and frowned. That was twice now that he'd been gracious to me in one day and my poor little heart was trying to kick and claw its way out of my chest in an effort to go after him while my brain was busy flipping him the bird for once again stranding me on my own in a crowd. 

"Shots!" Juice suddenly cried and I groaned, my stomach having had enough already. What I needed was food to suck up some of the alcohol. 

And definitely a ride home… eventually.
____________________________________________________________________________

My folks might not have done Christmas in the traditional Norman Rockwell sort of way but they had their own traditions. Every Christmas eve, without fail, we'd listen to The Shepherd on the CBC and then we'd go to a movie, usually something Disney and animated, after which we'd go for Chinese, Peking duck, the works. It was too late for a movie but my stomach growled loudly as I pushed open the doors to my favorite late night restaurant deep in the heart of Chinatown. 

I didn't need a menu, I knew it off by heart, and as usual I ordered too much. I'd have leftovers for a week. 

As I sat down to wait I was wishing I'd brought a book or a magazine with me to help pass the time. I pulled out my phone intent on kicking some pig and bird ass but what I saw reflected in the black display made my heart stop beating in my chest. 

There was no place to hide. Other than a large, boisterous family near the back of the restaurant I was the only person in the place and before I even turned around, I knew he'd seen me.

"Hey," he said quietly. "I guess great minds think alike huh?" 

"I guess," I replied automatically and thumbed the lock on my phone open. I assumed he'd walk past, find another table and order his own take out. He surprised me by pulling a chair out at my table and sitting opposite me. He didn't even ask if it was taken. 

Hey, it could have been.

"You order yet?" he asked and I nodded. Just for a second I thought I'd seen disappointment in his sky blue eyes but he dropped his gaze to the menu he'd picked up at the door and scanned it. "I've only been here once, I think with Max and Burr or something. What's good?" I stared at him, wanting with every nerve in my body to ask why small talk, why now, but I just pulled that little sling shot back and sent one of those black bomb birds into a stack of squealing green pigs instead. "So have you got lots of family waiting for you at home?" he asked and it took a concerted effort not to take my eyes off the screen. I knew, hell everyone knew that he came from a big Irish Catholic family and I well…didn't. It made me want to kick him in the shins for even asking. 

"No," I muttered quietly and grinned just a little as the black bird sent evil little piggies flying everywhere. "All your family here?" I asked, to be polite. 

"No," he replied quietly and I didn't need to look up to detect a note of desolation in his voice. I cursed silently. He was doing it again. He was making it damn near impossible for me to stay mad at him. 

"No?" I shut off my phone and put it back in my purse, folded my hands on the table and took a deep steadying breath before looking up at him. "How come?" 

"City employees don't really get time off over the holidays," he shrugged and just one corner of his full mouth turned up in an almost smile, "it's a pretty violent time of the year; lots of trees going up in smoke and domestic disturbance calls." He looked almost sorry to be missing out on it. I fought hard not to smile at the idea of him a uniform. He'd look fucking hot in either uniform. 

"So why didn't you fly there?" I asked, though I knew a home game yesterday and a home game on Boxing Day hadn't really left a lot of wiggle room for a cross country trip. "Yeah, sorry," I replied before he had a chance to explain. 

"So what's your excuse?" he asked me before I could ask anything else and I shrugged. "C'mon, Hank didn't insist you stay over, have Swedish midnight gift opening or whatever?" he grinned and I was glad I was sitting down or my knees would have buckled. That smile went all the way up to his eyes and made them crinkle at the corners. I had the urge to moan out loud. 

"This is my Christmas eve tradition," I replied just as my order was delivered to the table. He eyed the two stuffed bags and then looked across at me. 

"You must have a bunch of friends waiting," he said brightly but the way his eyes dimmed told another story. Damn it again. 

"Oh hell…no this is just for me." It was a lot of food for one person. And since he hadn't ordered yet… maybe… "Look…it's my night off or whatever so I'm going to my place…I mean not `the condo'," I put the rabbit ears around the words and he made a quizzical face. "I'm going back to my old place. It's not much and I haven't even been there in like a month so it's probably cold as hell but, I don't… um… if you want to come with…?" I didn't even get the chance to beg him. He was handing his credit card over before I was even finished. Chris Higgins was buying me dinner. 

Damn, it was almost a date.

My old apartment wasn't exactly what anyone would describe as spacious. When I had originally found the place the ad had actually used the words "cozy" and "efficient" in the property description. It was nothing more than a galley kitchen, a living room that was barely big enough for a love seat and chair, a bedroom only big enough for a double bed and a tiny bathroom. For me it was fine, but standing in the middle of my living room, Chris made the place look miniscule. By extension, he looked twice as large.

His eyes swept the space, taking in a million tiny details at once, and I grimaced internally, wondering again what in the hell I'd been thinking bringing him here. 

I glanced over at the bags of takeout on the kitchen counter and figured we could just haul the lot of it to the condo instead. "We don't have to stay here," I said in a rush, reaching out to swipe the battered teddy bear I'd had since birth, off of his perch at the end of the couch and searched for some place to hide him.

Chris was no slouch, his eyes tracked the movement easily as they followed puck movement on the ice and he took a couple of steps in my direction. Patiently he held out both hands and waited for me to reveal what I had tried to stash behind my back.

I made a pathetic attempt to look confused but was given away by the blush I could feel staining my cheeks. I ducked my head, chuckling at my idiotic attempt at innocence.

Chris simply stepped forward into my space and reached both arms around me, his hands sliding along my forearms until he could feel the matted "fur" I had clutched in my fingers. He shook my wrists a little. "Let me see,"

"My life could be better without handing you proof that I'm a complete and utter dork."

His chest rumbled with a laugh but he didn't step back. "You think Lou is actually funny. I already knew you were a dork." He eased his thumbs into my palms. "C'mon, show me."

My shoulders dropped and I slowly surrendered the bear, keeping my head down but my eyes on the slightly worn and slightly matted stuffed toy whose head flopped forward in Chris' large hands.

Chris stared down at it and tipped his head to the side. "Does he have a name?"

Well, in for a penny... "Huggy."

One of his eyebrows lifted as he looked over at me. "Huggy... Bear?"

I shrugged. I didn't really have any defense here other than to say, "I spent a lot of time with the TV as my only source of company. 'Nick at Nite' was the best. Starsky and Hutch was on right before The Patty Duke Show."

He laughed, looking between Huggy and I, smiling like I'd surprised him. "He looks well loved,"

Gently, I took the bear back from him and stroked my hand over the little fuzzy head. "Best friends usually are." I laughed softly at myself again and then made a face when I realized I was cuddling Huggy protectively against my chest. "And doesn't that just scream 'sexy'." Casually - though carefully - I tossed Huggy onto the couch and turned toward the kitchen. "So I guess plates and cutlery are in order," I muttered and eased past him, noting that he didn't move to get out of my way so that my ass brushed his massive skater thighs. I shut my eyes and told myself over and over to be cool and to remember to breathe when what I really wanted to do was some kind of goofy celebratory dance to mark the occasion of Chris Higgins being in my apartment letting me touch him without running a mile.

I could hear him taking the food out of the bags and laying it out on the coffee table. I tried not to think about the soft grey sweater he was wearing or the way that it pulled across his wide shoulders or how his biceps would look as he stretched across the tiny table to put the hot and sour soup in the middle. 

I came back to the table with forks and spoons and chop sticks, not knowing which utensil a boy from New York would choose and put plates and bowls out. "Beer or something less alcoholic?" I asked, wondering if I had either in the fridge and wishing that I'd thought about that before this moment. 

"Beer, if you have it," he added, that boyish grin of his making me want to sweep all of the steaming food from the table and offer myself up instead. I nodded and went back into the kitchen where I promptly stuck my head into the freezer in a naïve attempt to cool my jets. I'd had half of his teammates in my bed and they all popped my cork in their own way, but none of them, not a single one of them, made me get all fan girl, weak kneed and silly like he did. 

Luckily for me there was a six-pack of Dead Frog in the back of the fridge and I retrieved them as well as a bottle opener and returned to the table, offering him an open one. I watched him take a swig, his lips closing around the top of the amber bottle and bit back a whimper, thinking about the way I wanted his lips to close around one of my nipples and suck on it. I watched the muscles in his throat work and thought about licking his skin. 

He looked at the bottle as he wiped his muscular forearm across his mouth and then ran his hand down to the thicker part of the bottle and left his hand there, his fingers caressing the bottle, the condensation on the bottle dripping over his thick fingers. I damn near came. "That's good. I haven't had that one before." 

"Uh huh," I muttered and reached for sweet and sour pork, dumping some onto a plate and stabbing a piece mercilessly with a fork. I didn't trust myself with chopsticks right at that moment. With my luck my first bite would go right down my top. I raised the piece of pork to my lips and was about to put it in my mouth when I realized he wasn't eating. He wasn't even looking at the food. He was watching me. I wanted to put my fork down. I also wanted to climb under the table to hide. The appraising way his gaze traveled down to the `v' of my sweater made me squirm in my seat.

"So how come you're alone on Christmas Eve?" he asked slowly and then lifted the bottle to take another sip. 

"I could ask you the same thing," I replied quickly and defensively and then shoved the piece of sauce covered pork in my mouth and reached for the container of Shanghai noodles. I shoveled some of the thick noodles onto my plate and then stabbed one with my fork. "You and Grizz are like…the most eligible bachelors on the team," I reminded him, or was it myself. "Shouldn't you be out with some…I don't know, local actress or weather girl or something?" I stabbed another piece of pork and added a pineapple to the mouthful and shoved both into my mouth, chewing hard. 

Chris scratched the back of his head. "Yeah well…there's this person I've had my eye on," he replied quietly. I bit down hard on the inside of both cheeks to stop from growling. Of course there was. He was hot and that picture of his abs had been making its way around the internet for a couple of weeks now. I'd drooled over it myself. I knew damn well I wasn't the only red blooded woman in the city that wanted to play tic-tac-toe on his six pack.

"Mmmhm," I murmured encouragingly because I felt like it was the right thing to do. I simultaneously imagined clawing out the eyes of whoever the bitch was.  

"Yeah," he cleared his throat and sat up a little straighter. "But she has all these guys she's with all the time when I'd like to spend time alone with… her." My hand hesitated over the container of fried squid and I nearly choked on the juicy bun I'd just bit into. 

"Oh yeah, she gets around huh?" I muttered, spearing a couple of pieces of squid and pretending to study the white coils of chewy saltiness. I wasn't going to cry. I wasn't. It just really sucked that while he thought I was the sluttiest person alive, he was secretly jonesing over someone who actually was an easy piece of ass. 

Hypocrite.

"Penny,"  he leaned forward again, obviously trying to get me to make eye contact but I couldn't do it. "Penny?"

"Hmm?" I gestured to his empty plate with my fork and forced a smile. "You'd better eat, Christopher, I'm not afraid to finish this without you."

He exhaled hard and pushed his sleeves up to his elbows. "Penny, I'm… I… there's this girl –"

I had an overwhelming urge to stuff rice in my ears just to drown him out. Sure I made myself available for the guys when they wanted to talk about their love lives since nothing was better than a woman's opinion on the subject, but not this time. Not with him. The last thing I wanted to hear about was this mystery chick he wanted to spend time with. Time that I really wanted to have him spend with me. "I'm sure she's a peach," I grated out, tearing another piece out of the bun with my teeth.  Mouth full, I mumbled, "At least I don't have to worry about her trying to snatch me bald since you generally avoid me like the plague." 

He was quiet for so long that I finally risked looking at him only to find him practically gaping at me. "Unreal."

It sounded accusatory.  "What?" It's hard to sound defensive around a wad of meat and yeast. I swallowed quickly, managing not to choke, just. "You do. You treat me like I'm some kind of disease. Whatever, it's fine. I get it. You like some other girl, who apparently likes other men, and you want to spend time with her alone. Awesome," I scoffed. "Can't fault you there. One wonders though why you aren't trying to spend time with her tonight."

"I am," he groaned. 

Say what? I blinked at him, absolutely bewildered. "Huh?"

Chris raked both of his hands through his hair and then picked up his beer again, taking a long pull and eying me over the bottle. "She's a little dense sometimes," he began, "and a bit slow on the uptake. She sucks at poker and can't walk and chew gum at the same time. She can't skate, she can't bake, she can't hold a tune and I'm pretty sure she has a magnet for trouble imbedded in her ass." The bottle found a home on the table again and he rested his elbows on his knees. "She's afraid to fly, she can't drive standard, and she's a bit of a dork."

Those were… I couldn't… I… Oh. 

Oh.

His lips curled a little at the corners and he shook his head. "But she's got these killer eyes. And she makes me laugh. And when she smiles at me, just at me, it makes me forget there are other men in her life." He looked at me across the little table as though he was the one trying to fit the puzzle together. "She cares about them a lot. And they say she cares about me the most, which probably proves that her taste in men is as shitty as her taste in music."

Oh God. I dropped my eyes to my plate, food suddenly the last thing on my mind.

"You know who I'm talking about," he said quietly and I heard him rising from his chair and pushing it back. I shook my head but didn't look up. This wasn't happening, I told myself, even as half my brain tried to reason with me, tried to remind me that this was what I wanted after all. The other part of my brain was squealing like a stuck pig as I listened to his footsteps as he made his way around the table. 

"Nnnnoooo," I groaned as I wished that I didn't have sweet and sour sauce at the corner of my mouth as I felt his hand cup my chin. 

"Pen…look at me." I fought not to. I actually pressed my chin down into his hand and did my best not to look up. As if I could fight someone with muscles like his. "I hate that I have feelings for you while you fuck all my teammates," he said softly as he physically forced me to look up at him. "I know you know that I want you," he added even while I shook my head vehemently, or at least a little. "C'mon, you think I'm a dick like that to everyone?" Again I shook my head and he rolled those big blue eyes with their fringe of dark blonde lashes. "I hate what you do," he added very softly as his lips drew near to mine, "but I don't hate you Penny."

When he kissed me I wanted to cry. This wasn't how it was supposed to be. I'd imagined this kiss a hundred, maybe a thousand times and it was never like this. It wasn't in a tiny little one-bedroom apartment and I wasn't sitting with a fork in one hand wearing a Christmas sweater. It was sweet like this though, soft and slow, like warm butterscotch dripping down the slope of cold vanilla ice cream. When he pulled back my eyes were still shut and I thought maybe I could hear birds singing and bells ringing. 

"Merry Christmas Pen," he said softly and then I heard him turn and head through my kitchen and before I could even get to my feet, as if there was a chance in hell my knees would hold me up at that moment, he was out the door.